Vita mutatur, non tollitur

I am exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed so I assume my emotions running on high are partly from those factors. It is also the hardest time of the year without mom. My brother called me yesterday and stopped my heart, he began our conversation with “I don’t know how to tell you this…” I almost keeled over. He told me that mom’s house burned down Friday night. Apparently lightning struck in the storm and the house caught fire. Immediately I felt sad, but now I don’t know. That house reminds me of her, but it reminds me of the pain. She died there. Died. I still have such a hard time saying that or even thinking it. How can she be dead? I need her more than I need anyone or anything. My heart aches so bad. I ache for those in Connecticut and Portland. Death is everywhere and it doesn’t ever go away and it never becomes ok. What if I don’t get to talk to her ever again? It is not even close to the same talking to her through my heart. Not even close. I need to look at her and feel her embrace, I need her to tell me she loves me and how special I am, I need her to call me SJ and tell me how much she loves nature. I need to see how much she loves her children and her family and how beautiful of a soul she is. I need her. I need her. I have no words for the families dealing with this monumental and everlasting pain. I just hope there is more than this, a different existence than this painful experience we all endure call life. There has to be, right? Some people’s lives are way too painful for this to be it. Too much suffering has to be awarded by a happy and beautiful afterlife. I need to see my mama again. I need to. The other stuff doesn’t matter. I can want with all my might, but what is important is my dad and brothers, my aunts and cousins, and my best friends. I have longed for true love since I was old enough to grasp the concept, but what the fuck does it even matter? It truly doesn’t. I can live the rest of this silly and painful existence alone if I have to because I am strong and made to suffer. I don’t believe in a God who would allow such misery on people and animals. I don’t believe there is a magic answer to a convoluted problem. Love does not conquer all. I love my family and they are truly the only reason I am alive, but only because I love them more than I love myself and would never put them through the pain already being felt. Plus, I love my fucking dogs as much as you could love your child. All of you parents can tell me that is a load, but fuck you. Children are not for everyone and dogs are amazing souls and creatures who depend on us, much like children, to give them nourishment and unconditional love and they love us unwaveringly in return. Ok, I am done.

I am feeling off today. I started out the day by taking my pups to the park where there were way too many people and it caused me some stress. Then on my way to work, and I usually don’t work Saturdays anymore, I become increasingly emotional. I miss my mom fiercely, I worry for my dad, and I feel trapped in my hell. I hate this town I live and I desperately want out. But how can I leave my dad here to work those hell hole businesses and rot in this Godforsaken town? I just can’t. I have watched most of the friends around me find what they describe as love, though, from the outside I can’t see it and wouldn’t trade with them for all the tea. I just get the lonelies and wonder endlessly if I will ever find it. My dad tells me the right guy is probably not in this rightwing, bible thumping hell hole, but then when the fuck will he appear if I am stuck here? It is like a circle of death and to top it off I can’t even talk to my mom? I can’t have her wrap her arms around me and tell me how wonderful she knows I am? I can’t hear her laugh and hold her hand while watching the stars twinkle in the sky? I find it cruel and disgusting that life is the way it is. Don’t even get me started with politics or I will probably end up cutting someone from all of my anger.

I just want to get a little drunk here and watch something escapey like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or even Pretty Little Liars, those bitches don’t have it tough, afterall they are all finding love aren’t they? Their parents are all alive and well and the world is their oyster. I feel stuck and trapped and beaten into a hell that I can’t escape. I am overwhelmed by what I have to do before Monday and the only place I can aim blame is upon myself. Where did the time that I did have go and why the fuck did I squander it? I can foresee this week ending with a late night paper writing craze. I will cuss myself and vow to never do it again, but who the fuck really knows. All this stress for 10 points? But I want a fucking A. I pride myself on my writing abilities, a gift from my mama, so I will not allow myself to stoop below what I know I can do. It’s 8:35pm, at 7:43 I promised myself I would work on my school work until 9 and then do my own thing, but here I am ranting about the hell that is my life instead of writing about why Jim’s case study does not appear to present with abnormal behavior and how classification systems are advantageous and disadvantageous. Isn’t everything a little of both?

Yeah. Here I am writing this post but I should be doing school work. I meditated about 3 hours ago and fell asleep. Weird dreams as per usual. But now I am faced with participation and reading and analyzing a case study and then writing about it, but all I want to do is go grab some wine and watch a movie with Rupert Grint in it. :-) Wild Target or Harry Potter. Really I wouldn’t mind watching the Return of the King….there are many I wouldn’t mind watching. The weather is chilly and dark and I LOVE IT! I was so tired of all that heat and sun, not that I don’t love the sun, but sometimes you want fall to look like fall. The weather makes me want to curl up and watch a movie or read a book and not a text book. Being responsible and mature sometimes sucks the big weenie. Cheers.

TGIMFF!

Oh yeah. In the wee hours of this morning, somewhere between 4:30-6:30am I dreampt I was first in a store of sorts trying to build a display. Then I was in a room with many people giving a power point presentation about whether OKstate football players are given special treatment. Lol. Silly, I know. But then the teacher or whomever told me that Ezra just texted her that he was back. I looked around for him and saw him walking into the room. We connected eyes, but then he walked into another room. I excused myself and followed but stopped short, just standing in the kitchen, watching tv and drinking my drink. I didn’t want to look like I was following him. He then came into the kitchen and stood next to me very close. He told me he wanted to talk to me at the museum, but I kept walking away from him. I didn’t know he wanted to be near me let alone talk to me. He then wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me tight, kissed my cheek until I turned my head to his and our lips met. It was delicious and sweet. He smiled big at me and asked if we were officially together now. I just exploded with happiness. Then I remember my entire right arm started hurting really badly. I wondered about having a heart attack, but thought it was the left arm and that women don’t usually have that symptom. I then walked back to the room full of people and motioned for Kris to come out. I waited for her, falling to the floor crying because of the pain. She comes out and I asked her if she knows what is wrong with me, she doesn’t and I explain it hurts from the joint down.

It was then that my alarm went off and I awoke realizing it was just a dream and that I was sleeping extremely hard on my right side. I guess I know where the pain was coming from. haha. That part of the dream wasn’t so great, but having an Ezra was. I want one. I know there is one out there just waiting for me as I am him, but damn this wait. I long for that fluttery feeling now. It has been so long, I almost don’t remember how it feels. But it is there…..patiently waiting.

Can I just be a Debbie downer and a little bit a shrew for a moment? I didn’t sleep well last night so I am extra emotional, but I am so feeling a little low at the moment. I do not always feel this way, but is this fucking it? Is this my fucking life? I am damn near 31, I live in a hell hole that I hate, I lost my mom, I have no boyfriend, fiance or children and I can’t seem to drop the weight I desperately want to lose. What the fuck gives? I feel like I am being punished, but I don’t even know what for. I haven’t done bad or evil things in my short years, I have put a lot of caring and love out in the world. I know people value me, I see it in the customers who rave about how sweet and helpful I am and how they seem to like to buy me things because I value them. So I am at a complete loss for the lacking. I don’t know what to think. Most of the time I can keep my positivity and know that life isn’t always easy and things happen the way they do. I also know that life is not about big events, it’s the small joys we have everyday that make up a nice lifetime. I just don’t understand why all the men I meet want nothing more from me than sex.  I know I exude sexuality, I always have, but does that equate no substance? No girlfriend material. Are there no men out there who value who I am and will fight to get to know me? It appears everyone else can find someone but me. Even my lesbian friend found a good man. I know that sounds weird, but it’s completely true.

I need sleep.