I am exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed so I assume my emotions running on high are partly from those factors. It is also the hardest time of the year without mom. My brother called me yesterday and stopped my heart, he began our conversation with “I don’t know how to tell you this…” I almost keeled over. He told me that mom’s house burned down Friday night. Apparently lightning struck in the storm and the house caught fire. Immediately I felt sad, but now I don’t know. That house reminds me of her, but it reminds me of the pain. She died there. Died. I still have such a hard time saying that or even thinking it. How can she be dead? I need her more than I need anyone or anything. My heart aches so bad. I ache for those in Connecticut and Portland. Death is everywhere and it doesn’t ever go away and it never becomes ok. What if I don’t get to talk to her ever again? It is not even close to the same talking to her through my heart. Not even close. I need to look at her and feel her embrace, I need her to tell me she loves me and how special I am, I need her to call me SJ and tell me how much she loves nature. I need to see how much she loves her children and her family and how beautiful of a soul she is. I need her. I need her. I have no words for the families dealing with this monumental and everlasting pain. I just hope there is more than this, a different existence than this painful experience we all endure call life. There has to be, right? Some people’s lives are way too painful for this to be it. Too much suffering has to be awarded by a happy and beautiful afterlife. I need to see my mama again. I need to. The other stuff doesn’t matter. I can want with all my might, but what is important is my dad and brothers, my aunts and cousins, and my best friends. I have longed for true love since I was old enough to grasp the concept, but what the fuck does it even matter? It truly doesn’t. I can live the rest of this silly and painful existence alone if I have to because I am strong and made to suffer. I don’t believe in a God who would allow such misery on people and animals. I don’t believe there is a magic answer to a convoluted problem. Love does not conquer all. I love my family and they are truly the only reason I am alive, but only because I love them more than I love myself and would never put them through the pain already being felt. Plus, I love my fucking dogs as much as you could love your child. All of you parents can tell me that is a load, but fuck you. Children are not for everyone and dogs are amazing souls and creatures who depend on us, much like children, to give them nourishment and unconditional love and they love us unwaveringly in return. Ok, I am done.